Tribeca Essay 2: Peer Pressure & Friendships
(Written from the perspective of a hairdresser with a teenage daughter)
Working in a hair salon, you hear about friendships all the time. Women come in, sit down, and the conversation starts flowing: who they’re close with, who they’ve drifted from, and who hurt them. Friendships shape our lives in ways we don’t always realize. And now that I’m raising a teenage daughter, I see firsthand how powerful peer pressure and friendships can be for her self-esteem.
When my daughter was little, she was fearless about who she played with. On the playground, she’d walk up to any kid and say, “Wanna play?” Easy as that. But now that she’s sixteen, it’s not so simple. Every friendship feels loaded—like it’s about fitting in, being cool, or keeping up with the group. I watch her struggle with wanting to be accepted while also wanting to be true to herself.
And honestly, I get it. Even as adults, we deal with the same thing. In the salon, I’ve had clients confide that they still feel pressured to dress a certain way, drink more than they want to, or gossip just to belong. If grown women are still wrestling with it, how can we expect teenagers not to?
The Pressure to Belong
My daughter came home one day upset because her friends were all talking about a party. She hadn’t been invited, and she felt like she was on the outside looking in. I could see the shame in her face—like being left out meant there was something wrong with her. I told her something I’ve learned from years behind the chair: not every group is your group, and that’s okay.
I see it in women too—some come in and light up the whole room with kindness, while others sit there critiquing everyone else. Who do you think walks out happier? It’s the same for our daughters. Being part of a group isn’t worth it if it means shrinking yourself or pretending to be someone you’re not.
Teaching Her to Say “No”
Peer pressure isn’t always about big things like drinking or skipping school. Sometimes it’s smaller, like copying the way friends dress, laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, or agreeing with opinions she doesn’t share. I remind my daughter that saying “no” doesn’t make her weak—it makes her strong.
At the salon, I have to say no all the time. A client might want a hairstyle that won’t work with her hair type, and I have to gently but firmly explain why. If I just said yes to please everyone, I’d end up with unhappy clients and ruined hair. Friendships are the same: saying yes to everything just to please people only leaves you drained and unsatisfied.
Popularity vs. Real Friendships
I’ve watched my daughter’s friend groups shift over the years. Some girls she thought would be her “forever friends” turned out to be more concerned with status than with kindness. That was a tough lesson. But I’ve also seen her grow closer to friends who truly support her—girls who cheer for her successes, sit with her when she’s down, and never make her feel like she has to change who she is.
I tell her: popularity is temporary, but real friendships are investments. They don’t just make the teenage years easier; they set the foundation for adult confidence. I’ve had the same three best friends since beauty school, and we’ve stuck together through thick and thin. That’s what I want her to look for—not who has the most likes on TikTok.
When Friendships Hurt
Of course, not all friendships are healthy. My daughter has been through her share of drama—friends who talk behind her back, who exclude her to make themselves feel powerful, or who pressure her into things she’s not comfortable with. When she comes home crying, I feel helpless. But I remind her: if a friendship consistently makes you feel small, it’s not a friendship worth keeping.
I’ve had clients break down in my chair over toxic relationships—women in their thirties, forties, even fifties—still dealing with “mean girl” behavior. It starts young, and the only way to protect our daughters is to teach them early that it’s okay to walk away.
Building Confidence Outside of Friend Groups
One thing I’ve found helpful is encouraging my daughter to build confidence in places outside her social circle. Sports, art, volunteering, even her part-time job—these give her a sense of identity that isn’t tied to whether her friends approve. The more she invests in her own interests, the less desperate she feels to belong to groups that don’t treat her well.
At the salon, I’ve seen shy assistants blossom once they find their own rhythm. They don’t need everyone’s approval; they find confidence in their craft. I tell my daughter the same thing: “Find what you love, and let that be your anchor. Friends will come and go, but your passions stay with you.”
Advice to Other Parents
If you’re a parent reading this, here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Listen before you lecture. When my daughter vents about friend drama, I bite my tongue and let her talk. She doesn’t always need solutions right away—sometimes she just needs to feel heard.
- Don’t dismiss her feelings. To us, teenage friendship drama might seem small, but to her, it feels like the world. Validating her emotions makes her more likely to come back to me next time.
- Model healthy friendships yourself. I try to let her see me spending time with my true friends, not just the people who are convenient. Actions speak louder than words.
- Remind her that friendships should feel safe. I tell her, “You should never feel like you’re auditioning for someone’s approval. The right friends won’t make you work that hard.”
Raising a teenager is messy—I won’t lie. Some days, I feel like I’m failing. But when I see my daughter laughing with friends who accept her exactly as she is, I know we’re making progress.
At the salon, women often ask me what the secret to confidence is. I think part of it comes down to choosing the right people to surround yourself with. And that’s what I want most for my daughter—to know that her worth isn’t decided by who invites her to the party, but by the love and respect she carries with her, and the kind of friendships she chooses to nurture.
